124) My mother-in-law called today just to chat and I ended up being able to fill her in on the new job stuff. Her encouragement was just want I needed to remember that God has His hand in this and that I can rest in that.

125) Upon returning from training for the job today I had a moment of feeling really unsettled about it. I checked email and found comments on my other blog from some bloggers I really admire and respect. Their encouragement put me back into resting mode.

126) I woke up early for a run and got to see the tail end of resting mode.

127) Resting mode.

128) I allowed myself to go to resting mode instead of staying stirred up in the anxiety. That is grace in my life. I love that.

129) I usually try for ten. It’s been a long day. I’m not going to be a perfectionist about it tonight. This is also grace in my life.

112)  Um…  Chocolate.

113)    So when we last left off, I was disappointed about not getting one job and looking at the potential of another.  The potential became a reality.  I start training on Saturday and I am officially employed! 

114)  I started getting really overwhelmed by the beginningness of it all.  The newness and the uncertainty and working out all the details.  And just as I was about to go off the deep end and into full anxiety I got quiet enough to hear the whisper, “I’m here, you know.  I am God.  And I am with you.  And we’re walking this together.”  What have I to fear with Him with me? 

115)  I took Abbie to the store tonight.  We needed children’s Motrin and milk but I said at the beginning I thought we would get some chocolate too.  As we got out of the car I said, “Let’s go get our milk and our Motrin.”  And Abbie said, “No MILK!  No MO-RIN!  CHOCKAT!”  She’s a woman after my own heart…. 

116)  I *am* nervous about training and I am anxious about so much having to do with it just being a new experience for me.  But I know that God is already there.  He is there on Saturday for my first day of training.  He is there on Monday for my first day of training with my clients.  He is there. 

117)  I love the colors of sunset.  I love the pinks and the oranges and the purples and blues that wash over everything. 

118)  Twilight is my favorite time of night. 

119)  The sound of planes overhead…  Some days it’s just loud.  For so long no matter the volume it was an annoyance, now it’s somehow comforting.  It’s a part of here.  And it makes me feel like things are as they should be. 

120)  I love the ‘pending deposit’ that shows up in our online banking.  It means that it’s almost payday.  It will be ok.  We only have a few more days to suck-in our tummies and try not to let any pennies fall out of our pockets.

121)  I love even more that this job might give our family the ability to not have to spend so much time sucking in.  I hope so.  What a blessing that would be.

122)  I love the little and big ways that the word ‘hope’ shows itself every day.  Maybe it is one of our overused terms…  I just used it above.  But even in those less-than-holy things…  It points to something beautiful.  It points to the giver of hope.  It points to the fact that in some way at all times all of us are always hoping for something.

102)  It was a nice, friend-filled day.  

103)  The kids are starting to be old enough that when we socialize we can let them go play with their friends and trust that they are ok.  The independence is nice on both sides of the equation.

104)  Delicious dinner that I didn’t cook is so wonderful.

105)  I *did* sleep well last night.

106)  A project that I was really anxious about is coming along much better than anticipated.

107)  Having a friend to plan with is a good feeling.

108)  Cool fallish day turning to sunshine.

109)  Little girls growing up and doing more big girl things every day.

110)  Garlic Bread

So maybe, though it looks like this door is going to close, maybe…  one of the ‘goods’ that God has worked of the situation was to bring this back into my life a bit…  and to make me a little bit more unabashed about it. 

90)  Husband and I didn’t end our day on the gratest of terms last night.  Between the job issue and the feeling of disconnect and well…  um…  (yes I’m going to say it out loud) frustration and anger with my husband I didn’t sleep well at all last night.  I fought insomnia on two separate occasions.  As he was coming home and I was thinking through what this evening might hold all I could do was pray that God would soften my heart towards him and to help me love him better.  And he so did.  And the sweetness was back for us. 

91)  Carolyn’s giggle is the most delicious sound in all the world.  Especially when it’s full blown, full bodied. 

92)  Also, the girl looked at me in the midst of our trip to the commissary and said, “Do you know who I love best of all, Mama?  You!!!” 

93)  The two points above greatly improved my level of patience when it came to me discovering her literally dragging mud-pies into the house this afternoon…..  I think she is thankful for that one too!

94)  The ‘beauty gift’ that I spied on my run tonight was simply the evening.  The light from start to finish was gorgeous–I went close to sunset.  On the back end of the run the moon was rising full and big on the horizon and it was absolutely breathtaking.

95)  Tears are so cleansing sometimes.  And tears when someone is with you in them can be even more so.

96)  Have I mentioned yet how cute it is when little Abbie puts her hands on her ears?  It’s adorable.  And she does it every time a plane flies over.  And since they recently changed the flight path from directly over the house we moved out of in March to directly over the house we live in now, she covers her ears a lot. 

97)  She’s also awfully cute when she says, “Noissy!”

98)  I ran tonight, did yoga, and got a shower….  if those don’t make me sleep better tonight, I’m not sure what will.

99)  Small things like foamy soap make me ridiculously happy.  Even better when a case of 8 foamy soaps were on sale in the Caselot Sales this week. 

100)  100.  And I’m only getting started!

79)  I love the feeling of little girl breath on my cheek when I snuggle my girls at bedtime.

80)  I have really encouraging friends.  Even on discouraging days.

81)  I still miss my Mom fiercely so much of the time…  Today I really just wanted my Mom from the time I woke up to the now–right before bed–I know that the missing is a result of how incredible she was.  I’m lucky to have had the mother I had and the quality of relationship I had with her.

82)  It was foggy all day today and watching the clouds and the fog move back and forth over the sound was pretty incredible.

83)  Just because one of the ‘potentials’ isn’t coming about as I had expected, doesn’t mean that there isn’t still ‘potential’ waiting ahead of me this school year. 

84)  My kids will sing ANYWHERE.  And I do mean ANYWHERE.

85)  I called a friend here to whine today….  She got it.  She gets me.  Friends who ‘get you’ are absolutely priceless, aren’t they?

86)  In the midst of disappointment, I feel myself trusting God.  I prayed that he would close doors if they were meant to be closed.  I’m wondering if I’m jumping the gun in thinking that they are closed.  But still…  I know God is in this process.  I know he is working with my heart here. 

87)  I’m a Mom who struggles with yelling.  I do.  I just do.  But little by little I’m having more days when the yelling doesn’t get the best of me.  That is grace. 

88)  How cool is it that a simple red balloon can make a kid so freaking happy?

69) I spotted a girl twirling arms outstretched at the top of a hill behind my house today. I was feeling anxious and weighted down–very unfree. It was a reminder or the freedom I could claim myself.

70) I reconnected with a friend this week. She needed help moving in kind of a crisis situation. Crisis notwithstanding, it was so good to enjoy her sense of humor again.

 71) I attend a pretty incredible church.

72) I love the way my kids talk. They’re both in these wonderful phases of pronunciation. Almost every phrase they utter is priceless (well… and aside from the whining and bickering )

73) I love to see my oldest daughter’s interest in reading expanding. I’ve worried about her hitting those education benchmarks (so much WASTED worry), and she’s SO INDEPENDENT that she struggles, like her mother, with being ‘taught’ unless she feels like being taught. But slowly I see the letter recognition and writing developing.

74) My husband has been so wonderful in helping to cook or cooking dinner several nights this week. Just because.

75) The achy feeling of muscles that have been used is pretty delightful.

76) Freshly cleaned kid hair is so nice to touch, and so shiny and nice to look at.

77) The girls and I had a ’snickerdoodles and apple cider day’ because the morning was so foggy and cold and fallish. They helped make the cookies. By the end they were master dough-ball and sugar rollers. I hope that they will remember moments like those as they grow up.

58) I’m writing again. I didn’t expect that to be a by-product of this project, but it’s happened. I’m writing and it feels so good.

59) A day that, despite my whinings, DID feel productive. I worked on future projects. I worked on current projects. I cleaned dried-vomit off thet floor of the van. I went to the beach with my kids. And my house doesn’t look half bad either. I mean… Seriously!!

60) Getting started on a future project that isn’t official… But hopefully, hopefully, hopefully will be.

61) I couldn’t sleep last night because I had so many ideas and pre-plans going through my mind. I love pre-planning. I love the stuff that births ideas and concrete happenings. I wish I could get paid simply for having ideas because I have them. Tons of them.

62) At bedtime and naptime, Abigail requires a few minutes of snuggling. Then with a hug and a kiss and an “I love you,” and “Iyuvyutoo,” she snuggles down and sleeps. She embraces sleep (no not always at first, but almost always at the last) and that is a NEW concept to me.

63) Carolyn loves to create things for other people. Crayons and paper and scissors are out almost every day and never just to create things, but to create things FOR someone. Today she created for her “new teacher.” That’d be her preschool teacher, who she won’t meet for another week.

64) Ducks. I think ducks are just fun.

65) The love Abigail has for her very special blanket. 

66) Empty tablets of lined paper. So much potential there. Potential is kind of a theme here, eh? So one more:

67) Potential.

And then I was besieged with that old familiar feeling:  Guilt.  I have this terrible habit of feeling guilty for my blessings.  So often all I can think is, “Why am *I* so blessed?”  Why do I get mountains instead of cornfields or industrial parks or whatever (though I of all people know cornfields do have their own sort of beauty).  With my second pregnancy I couldn’t feel joy for the longest time because all I could think was, “Why do I get blessed with another baby?  Why when so many of my friends and loved ones struggle so much to get pregnant and suffer through miscarriages, or who simply long for the love of a husband and a family, do I have this second blessing coming into my life?”  It literally robbed me of joy.  I was cloaked in depression for weeks at the beginning because I felt such guilt for the blessings I was given.  Guilt not gratitude–Isn’t that outrageous?!

I was thinking of that today and suddenly I heard God whisper, “You can trust me with other people’s blessings, you know.”  And then I was flooded.  I got it.  Oh yeah…  If God is taking such care to bless me with these exquisite things crafted with care to make my heart smile, of course He’s doing that for others!  He knows my heartaches, he knows my cares, and he knows what woos my heart.  He knows when I need the simplicity of resting into beauty.  He knows the desires of my heart, little and big.  He allows pain and suffering into my life, yes, but He also cushions me with an abundance of his love and a portion of blessings that leave me astounded and and grateful, and…  guilty??? 

In a perfect world it would all equal out.  We would all, well…  Still be in the Garden of Eden experiencing pure intimacy with God and with one another.  Our bellies would ALL be full, our hearts would be unashamedly vulnerable.  Sickness and death and grief wouldn’t be in the picture.    All truly WOULD BE (instead of shall be) well. 

This is, at root, a trust issue.  Do I trust in God’s goodness in my life and in the lives of others in the midst of plenty and in the midst of want?  In the midst of the obviously beautiful and joyful and good and in the midst of what looks stark and barren and ugly?    I knowthat I am graced with such abundant blessings, but I can trust that God is supplying blessings to others.  He’s God.  He’s not stingy.  I don’t have the corner on his extravagant benevolence and generosity, and to feel guilty for my blessings only suggests that I think He’s holding out on others.  That He could, at a moment’s notice, hold out on me.  But that’s not Abba.  That’s not God.    This tells me that really I think He can’t be trusted.  It also suggests, a really embarrassing level of narcissism, I suppose.

He IS blessing others.  Even those that I see who are in such excruciating pain, who might not be in the same sort of season of blessing that I am in.  He is there.  He is their comfort and shelter and he delights in and woos their hearts just as much as mine.  He is God.  He is everywhere.  His love endures forever.  And I can rest in that instead of fretting and stewing over guilt.   He was there for me in the times when the walls closed in and the bottom fell out of my life.  When it seemed the crap of life would never stop piling up, His goodness was still in the midst of it.  The blessings looked different then, but they were no less real or sustaining.  That’s God.  That’s His goodness.  That’s who He is.

It’s not about ‘fairness’ or ‘equality’ in the long run, though He is equally present with each one of us.  It’s just about trusting the unceasingly good heart of the Most High.  He continually shows such goodness to me.  Now I realize He’s got everyone else’s blessings covered.  I don’t need to worry about their portion with the giver of all good things at the helm.  So I think, I’ll just feel free to rest and relax into the good things in my life.   Gratitude just makes more sense than guilt.  Don’t you think?

46.  I’m not sure what was in the IV fluids they gave her, but she spent the rest of the day with a little smile on her face.  Maybe that was just a result of feeling SO MUCH better than she has the last two days.

47.  I love the smell of tomato plants.  I don’t like tomatoes.  LOVE tomato products.  But nothing beats the smell of tomato plants. 

48.  I love finding the sauciest pieces of pizza.  It’s always a little treasure hunt where I look for clues, but when you find the one where the sauce is just a little bit gritty from the thickness it’s such a sweet thing.

49.  For the first time in months I didn’t read my Bible first thing this morning.  I am sad about that, but I am happy that not once did I think that God was any less with me.  I talked to him and leaned on him just as much as any other day.  And it will feel good to come back to that big brown book first thing tomorrow.

50.  This is officially like…  My 6th blog.  I eventually grow tired of things at each one, or out grow them, or something.  And I’m ok with that.  I may share this with the normal group of folks or not.  What’s important about this one is that it’s MY place to cultivate gratitude.  Which means it’s not about comments or what different people will think about different things I say or anything like that.

51.  I know I’m supposed to be all spiritual and such, but I love the frivolaty of movies that fit me like a good pair of jeans because I’ve watched them so often.  One of my favorite feelings is snuggling under a comfortable blanket watching a favorite movie.  Bonus points if people I love are with me.

52.  The last few days, with 4 trips to urgent care and the constant sense that I was going to make a wrong call when it came to my daughters’ health this weekend, though it all I came home to my husbands arms.  He wrapped them around me at the end of each evening and we slept curled up together.  How many times in our six years of marriage have I done the Urgent Care trip deal with him on the other side of the world.  He’s home.  He’s solid and he’s home.  That is just so…  right.

53.  There is something beautiful about Navy jets hovering over mountain and water during sunset.  Even if they are REALLY loud coming over my house.

54.  Whoever came up with the concept of Dove miniature Ice Cream bars was a genius. 

55.  I can’t believe how grown-up Abigail looks when her hair falls in just a certain way and she makes a facial expression that looks like one a teenager would make.

44)  This song (of which there is really a better video on YouTube, but probably because of pesky legal issues that I’m probably violating right now, I couldn’t do an embed) is the song that comes closest to me to being ‘our song’ for Andy and I…

For being relative newlyweds (it was 6 years in June), we’ve been through a lot together…  And not always while physically in the same locale.  But he knows my story better than anyone else.  He knows all the ways my head is a mess.  He knows why the lines are on my face.  And even if he’s on the boat or the Navy has taken him far away and our stories aren’t beling lived together, he’s the one that I NEED to tell it all to, one way or another. 

I am SO GRATEFUL for him.